Out Here On My Own
by little.camp.fairy
Summary: Starts between season 2 and 3. Meredith finds herself pregnant and facing the prospect of raising her child alone. Derek continues in his attempts to save his marriage. Though being Grey's Anatomy, neither quite goes to plan. I know it's been done before, but hopefully i'll be able to bring something a little different. Enjoy :)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N- So this has been sat in a folder on my laptop for a really long time now, and although Having It All is still my baby, I thought I'd share this too. Unlike HIA it does have a finite end, and I have a few chapters banked already! Enjoy!**

"Is Meredith still in the bathroom?" Izzie asked as she served up breakfast for her George, Meredith and Cristina who had been called in for an early morning conversation in bed with Meredith that day.

"Just give her a minute, she's not feeling great today, she just needs a minute to…" She was interrupted by Meredith entering the room, a few stray tears on her cheeks, eyes red, a wad of tissues in her hand. Cristina raised her eyebrows in an effort to make her talk.

"So…" She prompted.

"It's positive." Meredith choked out. "I'm pregnant." Her friends stared at her, wide eyed digesting Meredith's revelation. It felt like ages that they stayed in that position, almost frozen to the spot as the implications of Meredith's words reached the three of them. Cristina, having been called in the small hours, when Meredith realised her period probably wasn't going to come just because she begged her uterus, to deliver a pregnancy test, simply rolled her eyes and went back to her cereal. George and Izzie however stood dumbfounded.

"Okay, you can say something now." Meredith looked at the shocked faces of her best friends, open mouthed and in total disbelief at her words.

"Are you totally stupid?" Izzie asked her "You're a doctor, an intern, why the hell didn't you use protection? You and Finn have barely been dating a few months." Meredith felt her cheeks flush as she realised just how much explaining she had to do.

"It's not Finn's" she admitted, looking at the floor. Cristina was the only one that knew the extent of her relationship with the vet, and she hadn't intended to let the rest of her friends in on the secret.

"Then who?" George ventured, his brow furrowed until he realised. "Derek? When did you have…?"

"Prom." Was all that Meredith was able to muster, totally ashamed of herself regardless of how wonderful it felt that night.

"Oh my god Meredith, prom?" Izzie said in total disbelief. "You are like teenagers. You are part of the prom night statistic. I can't believe that you didn't even think about using protection."

"I… We did," Meredith Lied knowing full well that neither had been thinking about the consequences of their exam room adventure. "I guess it must have broken or something, hence why I'm now in this mess." Meredith stammered back, the hormonal tears starting to appear in her eyes.

"You know condoms are only 97% effective." George informed them. "It's actually quite possible that everything they did was right but the sperm still got through and if the egg was in the right position in Meredith's fallopian tube…"

"Okay, can we all just stop talking about my hoohoo and all things connected to it please? I don't even… I just… Cristina?" She looked towards her person, looking her in the eye as she silently begged for a solution to the situation she found herself in. Cristina sighed and stood up staring at the door.

"Don't look at me, I didn't do this. And I can't change the fact that there is now an embryo in your uterus. I don't know what you should do, you can keep the baby or I don't know have an abortion, use your legal right to choose or whatever, give the baby up for adoption. No one can decide that for you. Not us not Mcdreamy, you. You have to do what feels right, but you do have to tell him."

"Why?" Meredith exclaimed not wanting to ruin what semblance of a relationship they had left. It was civil, he was working on things with Addison, and he and Meredith were cooperating in the OR again. It was friendly. She really didn't want to ruin that. Deep down she knew Cristina was right, she just wished there was a way of doing this without the shocking revelation.

"Because," Cristina said, looking back at Meredith and raising an eyebrow, another silent thought passing between the two.

"I know," Meredith sighed in surrender, looking at the ground, tears beginning to fall down her pale cheeks. George put his arm around his friend stroking her arm as she took some deep breaths, trying to avoid the nauseous feeling she got when she thought about telling Derek that she was pregnant with his baby. He rubbed her arm gently, pulling her towards his chest where she silently sobbed, trying to avoid Izzie's disgusted gaze, or the sad look in Cristina's eyes.

"Whatever you decide, we'll support you, right guys?" George prompted, the two women nodding in agreement, causing Meredith to crack a small smile.

"Thank you," she whispered, wiping her eyes with her fingers. "I just need some time to figure it all out. I'll tell him though, I guess I owe him that much at least. If nothing else, it proves that no good can come from sex at the prom. Totally glad I didn't go to mine now."

They finished breakfast in an awkward silence, taking two cars because they were off at different times that day, and Meredith's news had shocked them all. They each needed to process their feelings towards Meredith's infidelity and the life that had been unintentionally created as a result. After a quick stop at the bathroom for Meredith, the four of them set about putting on their scrubs and lab coats, ready for when Bailey came to collect them for rounds.

"I'm on Dr. Shepherd's service today, I can tell him you need to speak with him. And then we can all meet for lunch later on." George said sweetly, smoothing the collar of Meredith's white coat.

"That'd be good George," Meredith smiled, trying to cover her red eyes so that they would be less obvious to her colleagues and patients. Dr. Bailey entered the lounge seconds later to give them their places for the day.

"Stevens, welcome back, you'll be observing Webber today and I mean observing. You are on probation from here on in. If you want back in surgery then you earn it. You don't like it, you take it up with him. Yang, Ortho, O'Malley, you're in the pit with Karev,"

"But I'm supposed to be with Shepherd today," George whined, looking sideways at Meredith, who looked as though the sky was about to fall, If George wasn't on neuro, that could only mean one thing.

"Well you'll have to take it up with him. Dr. Shepherd has requested Dr. Grey on his service today." She looked at her intern, who by this point looked to be on the verge of a breakdown. "You okay Grey?" She asked, her motherly side peeking through for a second.

"I'm fine, honestly it's nothing, and I'll try and pull it together." She shot a small smile at her resident as she walked towards the door to find Derek.

"Okay," Bailey mused, unconvinced. When Meredith Grey was this close to losing it at work, there could only be one man involved.

"You requested me Dr. Shepherd." Meredith announced as she met him at the nurses' station, deliberately avoiding his gaze.

"Yeah, I did." He replied, still looking at his chart. "We have a spinal tumour in a seven year old, I thought you might like to… Hey, are you alright? You look like you've been crying." He spotted her red eyes and became immediately concerned.

"I'm fine," Meredith smiled at him, leaving him too unconvinced that she really was fine.

"Fine fine or Meredith fine?" He asked, knowing there was a considerable difference between the two. The latter meaning anything but fine.

"I'm fine Dr. Shepherd, where's our patient?" She changed the subject in the hope that he'd drop her sad demeanour and get back to the real reason she was here.

"He's right this way. His last scans showed some growth, but it's still not appearing to have wrapped itself around any of the major vessels, he is getting some pain now, more than before so we're going to operate today, before…"

"Before it impinges on his spinal cord enough that he becomes paralysed, because a tumour like this could start feeding off one of the vessels causing it to grow so large that you might not be able to even leave him with any sensation below the area." She said looking at the scans he held up.

"Exactly, his parents have signed the consent forms, we just have to check his vitals and get him prepped. I'll see you in OR 2 at 8." He left her at the door of the boy's room, watching as she introduced herself to the family and began prepping the patient and asking the last minute questions his parents had. He walked through the halls until he spotted Bailey by the elevator.

"Bailey!" He called out to her and she turned to look at him, lips pursed, clearly about to deliver one of her speeches.

"What did you do to my intern?" She questioned him sternly.

"I haven't touched her, I asked her what was wrong and she just says that she's fine, she won't say anything to me. I was going to ask you if you knew what was wrong. Hey, why do you assume it's my fault?"

"It's always your fault, Meredith Grey is a damn fine surgeon until you do something to make her look like she's about to jump off a bridge. You with the hair and the fancy neurosurgeries making her think she has a shot with you before you announce that you're married, or just change your mind about being part of a relationship that could've had serious consequences for her career. Now I don't know what you did or why, or even why she let you hurt her, again. But you better figure it out, cause if she comes in looking like that one more day this week then I am gonna kick your ass so hard that you're not gonna be doing any fancy surgeries for a good long while, am I making myself clear?"

"Crystal," Derek swallowed looking at her, slightly terrified, but ultimately more determined to find out what was wrong with Meredith.

He headed up to the OR where she had just finished prepping him and was making her way towards the scrub room.

"Do I need to scrub?" She asked gingerly, still refusing to make eye contact.

"Er, yeah, you can hold the clamp, and suction if you like." He said as she grabbed her soap and started the water so that she could scrub in. "Meredith, about earlier, are you sure there's not something you need to talk about? I mean you can tell me anything." He looked at her with the same concerned glance he had when she'd hyperventilated in the storage closet a few months before.

"You're about to operate on a seven year old," She told him. "I think that should be your priority right now Dr. Shepherd."

"Of course," He stated trying to match her professionalism whilst still being worried about her. "But after, I'm worried about you that's all."

"Well that's not your place anymore," She announced, shaking off her hands and walking into the OR, the automatic door closing in his face as he watched her dry her hands and take her position at the table ready for surgery.

As always Meredith was fascinated by the surgery, watching each tiny movement within the boy's spine, so meticulous so as to not damage the cord or the nerves surrounding it. Derek worked with his signature precision and it gave Meredith thrills to think that she could do something like that one day, maybe not so well but she had a good role model, even if she couldn't bring herself to look him in the eye just yet. He praised her skills in suctioning gently when it was required, quick to react when there were tiny bleeders, clearing the field of vision quickly and precisely. She could feel his eyes on her every time he looked up from the patient, and she knew he was itching to ask her what the matter was, but didn't for the sake of professionalism. She tried to think of anything but telling him that she was pregnant, but her thoughts only reached as far as how she was going to tell her mother, not that she'd understand. If she were lucid, she'd only ask what Meredith was planning to specialize in, and scream at her for being ordinary, for letting a night of idiocy plan out the next eighteen years for her. It would be that long. And she'd be a mother forever. She could do as Cristina said and exercise her legal right to choose, but she was a healer, she was against physician assisted suicide, and she was pro-life, on the organ donor list as soon as she could be. She couldn't kill a foetus, especially not one that was half Derek's DNA, part of the man she was still hopelessly in love with. A man who was still working on his marriage, his marriage to a woman that she couldn't hate, no matter how hard she tried. She wasn't sure she could abandon a child either, she had always felt abandoned by her father and second place to her mother's career, she couldn't leave a child feeling like that. She took a shaky breath as she realised she'd just decided what she wanted to do. She was going to have a baby. Admittedly she'd probably be alone, but she had George and Izzie, and Cristina, and her mother's estate would more than pay for the child's early years if she chose to stay at home. It could work. Derek could be involved or he could not be, but either way in around eight months she would be a mother. It terrified her to her very core, but she felt different now too. Something had changed, she wasn't just living for one now but for two. She resisted the urge to stroke her stomach, something that even just a couple of hours after she suspected she was pregnant, she was so accustomed to doing, already growing attached to the creature fuelled by her changing body. She was brought out of her thoughts when Derek pulled the minute tumour from the spine, placing it in a basin that the nurse had offered up to him.

"Tumour's out." He announced to the OR, smiles reaching everyone's faces as he began to clean up the area and close. She was proud to be part of the team that gave the little boy the rest of his life back. Derek it seemed was very good at giving life.

He closed quickly but carefully walking away from the table when he was satisfied with his work, Meredith following shortly after. She began to scrub in silence, knowing that he was once again looking at her, his eyes burning holes in her skin.

"Dr. Grey, when you've finished scrubbing, can I see you in my office please?" He requested, aware of the other members of the surgical team were within earshot.

"Why?" Meredith asked, he voice shaking a little, her professional attitude slipping slightly at the request.

"Because if something is getting to you so badly that you can't even look me in the eye, then that's something that could become a problem in my OR so I think it's appropriate to discuss it." There was a tone of almost anger to his voice, one she hadn't heard since Katie Bryce, and not one she had planned upon hearing again.

"Okay," she whispered, willing him to go away so that he wouldn't see the hormonal tears building in her eyes.

"When you're done then." He stated, a little more softly, Meredith nodded and he left the scrub room, the tears sliding down her cheeks as she relished the last uncomplicated moment of Derek Shepherd's life, because, she was about to send everything into a crazy complicated mess.

She rode the elevator up to the fifth floor, trying to figure out how she could break the news to Derek that he was going to be a father in just eight short months. She hesitated at his door taking a deep breath before knocking gently.

"Come in," came the voice from the other side, making her feel like she was back in the principal's office waiting to be told off. She opened the door slowly and shuffled into the room sitting across from him, staring at her converse-clad feet. He was facing away from her, clearly furious. She knew that the minute he turned around she'd hear about it, and how she didn't deserve to be in the OR if she couldn't behave appropriately.

"Meredith," Derek said sternly and she raised her head so that she was looking at his chest, his face smiling at her from his name badge. She knew he'd have his angry face on, she waited for the onslaught but it never came. She looked up a little more, her eyes focussed on the stubble on his chin and his throat. His face softened at her vulnerable look. Taking a breath before he addressed her again. "Meredith," he said again wheeling his chair over to her and putting his hands on her knees. "Tell me what's wrong."

"I…can't." She stammered, the tears pricking her eyes again. "I can't, it's too much to put on you, I…" He pushed her hair back behind her ears, forcing her to look at him.

"I promise, whatever you say, it's not going to hurt anyone, and I'm worried about you. I care about you. You are my friend, and clearly you're hurting so I want to help you, and if I can't I want to find someone who will."

"Derek, I can't." She whimpered her shoulders shaking as the tears fell. "You can't do anything."

"Well at last let me try." He offered, rubbing her arms with his hands. Meredith shook her head. "Why not? What could possibly be so bad that you couldn't tell me?" He gave her his signature head tilt and she finally met his gaze, her breathing shallow as she tried to compose herself. She shut her eyes and said the words that she'd been dreading saying since she found out.

"I'm pregnant." Derek's face dropped as he processed her words, pulling his hands away from her and running them through his hair, rubbing his stubble as he tried to think of something, anything to say to her, anything to comfort her. "It's yours in case you're wondering. Prom night. We didn't use one. I thought we were fine, I bled for a couple of days where my period should've been, but when it didn't come this month, I peed on the stick and it said I was pregnant, so I stole four more from the clinic and they all said the same thing. "I'm pregnant, Derek."

"Wow," he breathed, blinking as if it would change things. "What are you going to do? Do you know yet?" He looked scared and she hated that she'd done that to him, but he had been as much of a part of that night as she had, and if she had to deal with it, so did she.

"I'm going to keep the baby, I think. I have a little money, so if I decide I want to stay at home I can support both of us. You can choose to be involved or I can bring it up on my own. You don't have to do anything you don't want to." She opened her mouth to say more, but Derek stopped her.

"I'm in." He said sternly. "I want this baby. I'll come to the recitals and the graduations and take it to the game on the weekends. This is my child, I want this, I… I'm in."

"Derek, you need to think about this. You have Addison and your family back in New York. You have to think about them too. I know you want to do the right thing by me and the baby, but you have to the right thing by the other people in your life. I have George and Izzie and Cristina supporting me. It's not gonna be very nice for you if you have no one there when things get hard. I'd love to have you in the baby's life, but only if it'll make you happy. Look, I promised I'd meet them for lunch so I have to go. Think on it, and if you really want this then I'll be in OB on Thursday at 9am for a confirmation appointment, my OB squeezed me in on short notice. You can't make this decision without giving it a lot of thought. Just think about it." She walked out of the room, a weight lifted from her shoulders, he knew. Now the ball was in his court, if he wanted in then fine, if not then at least he knew. She breezed into the cafeteria, considerably more cheerful than before rounds, and her friends quickly picked up on it.

"You told him," Izzie guessed as she sat down. "So?"

"I said he could be as big of a part of the baby's life as he wanted, but that he had to decide if that would make him happy or not. And if not then he has an out."

"So you're keeping the baby?" George observed, raising his eyebrows a little.

"I am," Meredith said biting her lip a little. "I know it's not ideal, but I want you both to stay. The baby can stay in my room until its old enough to need its own, then I can convert my mother's den or maybe the attic. I'm gonna need you guys when I freak out and when I get scalpel hungry you can tell me all about your surgeries."

"What'd I miss?" Cristina asked as she slammed her tray down on the table.

"Meredith's keeping the baby." George told her

"And she told Mcdreamy." Izzie added. Cristina nodded, unsure of what to say.

"So what did Finn say?" She asked as if it were the most obvious question in the world.

"There's the catch, I have to tell him tonight that I got pregnant with another man's baby whilst I was withholding sex from him. He's a good guy, he deserves the truth. He knows something went on at the prom, but he's too polite to say anything. He's such a good guy and I know this is too much for him. He's not ready to take on another man's baby. If it were his, he'd be down on one knee, but this. He might try to be here for me, but he couldn't care for it the way he'd want to. Oh, it's gonna suck. Damn Mcdreamy's stupid boy penis!" She rested her head on the table before getting up and stabbing her salad hungrily.

"I'll drink to that." Cristina said raising her water, smiling with pride at Meredith's strength, her attachment to the pregnancy. It wasn't the same for her as it had been for Cristina, but there was no denying that Meredith was, in a twisted way, almost ready. She had made her choice and that made her happy, there was little more Cristina could ask for than that. The rest of lunch was silent as each of them considered how Meredith's pregnancy could be life altering for all of them. But Meredith was smiling, she was looking ahead, she was a little less dark and twisty and she was already making decisions for her baby. Strange and unexpected as it was, it seemed Meredith Grey was very much already a mom.

**A/N- feel free to leave me a comment or two!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N- Thank you so much to those of you who found the first chapter and took the time to read and review. I've had this chapter written for a while and however much i want to, i can't seem to get it quite as i wanted, so you'll have to forgive me a little. it was hard to write for a lot of reasons, but i think it's vital to the rest of the story, so i'm biting the bullet and publishing. Enjoy!**

It had been reluctantly that Meredith had called Finn, inviting him around for a conversation that she dint want to have to have with him, but one that had to happen nonetheless. Having decided what she wanted to do about the child she would give birth to in eight months it felt only right that he should know before they got in too deep and got hurt eve more than they were already set to be. She paced the floor as she waited for him to arrive, glancing at the clock as the seconds slipped slowly by, until finally she saw the beams of his car headlights and ran to open the door, taking a cleansing breath and painting a smile on her face, or at least an expression that didn't say "I'm pregnant with another man's baby and I don't think you're going to want to be involved."

"Hey sweetie," She smiled at Finn as he walked in through the open door she was holding, a whole ten minutes early for their 'date'. "How was your day?" She sat down on the couch motioning for him to do the same. Izzie poked her head out of the kitchen door giving her a supportive smile and gesturing that she'd stay in the kitchen until Finn's probable and somewhat inevitable departure.

"Not bad actually, lots of cats today, they all seemed to like the idea of trying to bite me, I thought I'd end up having to visit you at work so you could kiss it better." He smirked and she gave him a small smile, not quite reaching her eyes, before looking down at the floor.

"Finn…" She started before he cut her off. The conversation about prom had been coming for weeks. Six weeks to be exact. Six weeks since Denny died, six weeks of avoiding the elephant in the room using Izzie or work as an excuse for skipping out on dates or leaving early. Six weeks of running from the issue, hoping it would go away instead of steadily growing in her uterus, making it impossible to brush under the rug. Finn sensed the conversation would involve the hook up at prom, he didn't know the details, but he knew it had happened, and it hadn't been intentional. He wasn't happy that it had happened, but he was willing to accept it and move on, and hoping that she felt the same.

"Meredith, I know you and Derek have a history and you both got caught up in the moment, we never said we were exclusive, it's fine, you don't have to keep apologising, let's just move forward and forget about it."

"Finn, it's not that easy, I wish it were that easy." She sighed and looked up at him, taking one of his hands in hers and rubbing it gently with her thumb. "That night, it was more than just a kiss, and neither of us was really thinking straight, and with Denny dying, I didn't even think to…"

"Meredith what are you trying to tell me, you're in love with him?" Finn looked at her confused as she tried to ramble her way towards what she wanted to say.

"No, no it's not that, it's… Oh God, I don't know how to tell you this. Okay, so um… that night we forgot to or didn't think to or the next day or anything but we didn't use protection and we both thought it would be fine, but a couple of days ago I took a test." She paused, but his face said he'd understood without her having to say **S** said I'm pregnant." Finn dropped her hand and swallowed thickly, having no idea what to say. He looked her up and down, opening and closing his mouth in disbelief.

"Pregnant?" he stuttered his eyes widening at the realisation, "As in you have… oh my god, do you know what you're doing about it?" he frowned, not quite getting his head around Meredith's revelation. "Wait, you're not seriously considering…?"

"I'm. Going to have the baby." She said quickly, bowing her head again before looking up and straight into his eye. "I'm having the baby and I told Derek that he can be as involved as he likes. Izzie and George are gonna stick around and help with things and Cristina is going make sarcastic comments and make sure I raise a world class surgeon."

"Where do I fit into all of this, am I just supposed to raise a baby with you, put up with Derek, who quite frankly I think is a total jackass, and so not good enough for you." He started to raise his voice a little. "Did you think I'd be happy for you, take you out to buy a nursery set, do the whole stepdad thing, while he swoops in and does the fun stuff, ball games and coaching the soccer team? That's not really how it works Meredith."

"I know." She said calmly, placing a hand on him knee in an effort to calm him slightly. "And I know I kind of sprang this on you, but I wanted you to know early enough that you can just walk away if you want to, no consequences, no hard feelings. If you can't handle it, I understand. I don't expect you to want Derek's baby in your life. Or for you to have to support us, that's not your responsibility. This is me giving you an out."

"Meredith, I don't know what to say. I thought we had something, I knew that you came with a past, and I knew he was part of that past. I accepted that and I made my peace with it. But I thought that's where he was going to stay that he could go back to being your boss and everything would be fine. I wanted to make our relationship work, to maybe one day have all the things that Derek made you think you'd want. I was ready to grow old with you, move away and send the odd Christmas card to Derek. Now you're saying that you'd happily have him in your life for the next 18 years or more. That's not quite so easy to swallow. I like you a lot Meredith, and I think we could've been great together. A part of me thought that maybe in a few years it would be the two of us having a baby. But no matter what I say or what I do, you're always going to find your way back to him, there's always going to be some reason for you go chasing after him. I thought if I tried harder or made you see that I was the better guy that that would help, but I can't be second best to him for the rest of my life. And I can't be the one that has to discipline your child when they're bad and have them run into his arms." He stood up, sighing. "I have to go before I get any more hurt and before he hurts you any more. I've already watched one woman slip away from me. And I can't stand by and watch another one do the same thing, especially if I have to watch her fall into someone else's arms." He kissed her hard on the lips, taking her by surprise and making her moan, gasping for breath as he pulled away. "Goodbye Meredith. Take care of that little one." He turned away from her and walked towards the front door. "and just for the record, he could never have loved you the way I do." He walked out of the door letting it slam behind him. Meredith listened to the sound of his car leaving the driveway before she let the tears fall, great sobs wracking through her tiny body. She knew deep down that this was what she had wanted for the baby that he needed to be gone before anyone could get too attached, but it hurt to watch him leave, to know that she'd never spend another evening in his kitchen talking about work and spilling her heart to him. Never see him waiting for her at lunchtime, making her heart skip a beat when he brought her favourite foods. Never hear him laugh again or listen to his stories. It hurt to let go of the man she had wanted to love. Izzie tiptoed through, holding out her arms for Meredith, who fell into them, her cries escalating as she buried herself in Izzie's shoulder, all the pain and the fear that came with the pregnancy coming out into the open. Izzie held her and rubbed her back soothing her softly as her sobs began to subside, leaving her sniffing and hiccupping slightly as she composed herself.

"You want a muffin?" She asked Meredith softly, "I made you a whole batch, double chocolate with the fudge frosting you like." Meredith nodded gently and followed Izzie into the kitchen picking at the muffin Izzie placed in front of her.

"Part of me wished it was his." She admitted, "That instead of holding back, I could've been sleeping with him instead of having one stupid night with Derek. I love that I get a baby out of it, I'll love the baby regardless of the fact its half Mcdreamy but I just really wish it wasn't so complicated." Izzie smiled softly at her, nodding her head.

"It's not supposed to be simple. If Finn was supposed to be your knight in shining whatever then you never would have met Derek and you never would have made that baby. You'd probably get married have a couple kids and then it would just fizzle out, and you'd probably drift apart, and you'd always wonder if there would have been something more with Derek or someone that you loved as much as Derek. You're doing the right thing Meredith. It doesn't feel like it now but you are. And in 8 months when you have this tiny beautiful little baby in your arms, then you'll know it was the right thing all along. When you look at your baby for the first time, none of the rest of it will matter. You'll just be in love with this tiny perfect person and all the rest will just melt away." Meredith finished her muffin in silence, Izzie watching over her like the big sister she never had. She tossed the wrapper in the trash and made her way towards the stairs, giving Izzie a quick hug before she left. Izzie watched her go, feeling the pain she was going through at losing the one you loved while you were already giving up so much for the person inside of you. She heard Meredith's door shut, and the shower switch on and made her own way silently up the stairs, to pull out the photo of her own tiny perfect person.

Derek walked out of his surgery, pulling his scrub cap off and sighing. Addison was watching him from the nurses' station and walked over to him, her hand going to his elbow, a concerned look on her face.

"Derek, what's wrong?" She asked gently "Is it Mrs. Jamieson?" Derek shook his head and sighed again.

"The aneurysm was too big, I couldn't get the clip to stay, and her brain began to swell, she was gone before we could even think about saving her." He sighed again, looking into his wife's eyes, knowing that he had to undo all of the work they'd put in to trying to get their marriage back on track. That if he didn't tell her, the OB staff would soon tell her after Meredith's appointment. He took a deep breath and said the four words that he hated. "We need to talk." Addison frowned, and led him into the on call room sitting by him in the bed.

"Shoot," She encouraged him, knowing he had something big to say.

"Oh, there isn't an easy way of telling you this. Meredith and I, we…"

"Slept together, I know, I found her panties Derek. You were in love with her, it's only right that you end it on your terms, instead of letting me swoop in and steal you away. Its fine, I forgive you. We'll get past it, I promise." She smiled at him sympathetically.

"Addison, there's more than that, Meredith she's, I guess I… We're having a baby. She's pregnant." Addison looked at him, shocked by his revelation. She looked at his sad face, her face melting into pity.

"Is she keeping it?" She asked, knowing the answer already, from what she'd heard of Meredith, she wasn't about to get rid of it. Derek nodded, confirming her suspicions. "Does she want you to be involved?" Derek looked up at her, tears of anguish and fatigue welling in his eyes.

"She said I had to do what was right for me, that if I didn't have anyone to support me then I didn't have to do anything. That my priority was you and mom and the girls. That I'd need you all so I had to think about it."

"What do you want to do, what's your heart saying?" Addison knew her husband, she knew how much he wanted to be a father, but she also knew how much his mother, his family meant to him.

"I want to be there, I know what it's like to not have a dad. To wonder if you'd've made the same choices if he'd been there. I don't want my kid to go through that, but I don't want to lose you Addison, I don't want to hurt mom or my sisters. And I really don't want to upset Meredith. I don't know what to do. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wanted to be married, happy and then have kids, this, this is just too much, it hurts too many people, whatever I choose somebody's going to get hurt."

"Derek, is she asking you to have a relationship with her, marry her just because she's pregnant, is she asking you to walk away from your family?" Derek shook his head again.

"No of course not, she just said it's my choice what I want to do about the baby. My baby Addison."

"Exactly, she just wants your child to know his father, and probably its grandmother and its aunts and cousins. She wants what is best for that baby. She's thinking like a mom, she has to get you to think like a dad. Do you want to walk away from her, from the baby, or me?"

"No, definitely not."

"Then we just have to find a way of making this work. It'll be tricky at first, but we'll figure it out. I love you Derek, I just want you to be happy."

"I love you too." He said cracking a tiny smile at his wife, leaning on her shoulder. He stared at the wall and laughed.

"What?" Addison said smiling at him, her brow furrowed slightly. "What's so funny?"

"I'm gonna be a dad." Derek said laughing even more. Addison sighed and shook her head laughing along with him.

"Yes Derek, yes you are."

The two of them quickly got ready to go home, promising to meet each other in the lobby before setting off for the trailer. Addison sighed as she sat down staring at her locker wondering how on earth she was going to be able to sit back and watch as her husband became a father to someone else's baby. A baby that she had wanted, with the man that she had loved for so many years. She changed out of her scrubs, massaging her temples with her palms the way she had taken to doing when she was stressed. She took a deep breath before walking through the door, knowing she needed to compose herself and get ready to be supportive, Derek was going to need her tonight. She shut her eyes, as she began to walk, opening them just in time to avoid knocking over Dr. Bailey.

"Addison?" She asked concerned "Is everything okay?"

"Its fine, I'm fine. The whole Derek and Meredith thing is just a little more complicated than I thought."

"Is that why my intern looked like she was ready to throw herself under a bus this morning? Well you know where I am if you need to talk." She patted her friend on the shoulder as she began to walk away, Addison wasn't quite ready to leave though.

"It's just this isn't how it was supposed to be you know? She was supposed to be a fling, a rebound girl, something that made him realise how much he missed me. He wasn't supposed to fall in love with her and get her… you know what it's not my place to say. I just thought getting him back would be simple. I didn't think I'd have to fight this hard."

"Well so long as you're sure that what you're fighting for is what you want at the end of it. He's not the same person anymore, you just have to decide if that's the man you want to fight for. If you're waiting for him to become who he was then no matter how hard you fight, you'll never get what you want. Just make sure you're getting what will make you happy instead of wasting all this energy on nothing." The resident walked away from her superior, leaving her with her words of wisdom to ponder as she made her way to the lobby to find the man that was once her husband, before he fell in love.

Izzie waited a while before knocking on Meredith's door. She wasn't snoring, so she had to be awake. She entered slowly, poking her head around the door, before holding out a tub of strawberry ice cream and a spoon. Meredith smiled at the gesture, her eyes still red and puffy. She hadn't stopped crying for long, and the only person she wanted was Derek, and he was probably the one person that she couldn't have, maybe not ever. She motioned for Izzie to sit, taking a spoon from her hand as she lifted the lid of the ice cream.

"Feeling any better?" Izzie asked gently, being all too aware of the feelings that came with an unwanted pregnancy.

"A little," she tried to smile at her friend, but couldn't bring herself to do that just yet. "I thought when this was all over I'd have one of them, but instead I have a foetus and neither of them to hold me when I sleep. I was done Izzie. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with one of them, and now I've got neither of them. How am I supposed to raise a baby without a father?"

"You do your best. You do whatever you think is right for you and the baby and the rest doesn't matter. Even if you don't have Derek, you have so many friends and colleagues that will support you through everything, and if you need a man, go find one, there's bound to be someone who wants you and your foetus. And it just might be even more perfect than it could have been with Mcdreamy or the vet. Give yourself some credit. You're giving this baby a shot at life. That's pretty special."

"I'm going to be awful at this, truly awful. I barely had parents. I swore if I ever had kids, there'd be two parents, that I'd be settled and happy. This poor kid gets me as its mom and a lot of aunties and uncles. It's screwed before it's even born."

"Meredith if you don't think Mcdreamy is somewhere trying desperately to decide what he wants to do about this situation, wracking his brains for the perfect solution then you don't know him at all."

"That's the point Iz, how well do I know him?"

Derek had been tossing and turning for hours, he couldn't get Meredith out of his mind, and Addison knew it. She knew he wanted to be the involved, hands on father that she'd always imagined him being, he was just trying to factor his family into it, to find a place for her in his new family.

"Derek, you need to stop thinking about it and get some sleep. She's only a few weeks pregnant, there's no telling how this could play out and we won't know how it feels until we're living it. Stop worrying. Meredith is not about to up and leave with your child. If you want to be involved she'll let you. She's not heartless, she's just a girl who fell for the wrong guy."

"What is my mom gonna say? I move out here, say I'm trying to make it work with you and then get someone else pregnant. She's gonna be so disappointed. I don't know If I can do that to her."

"Derek, she's going to be so much angrier if you don't tell her. All she is going to care about is the fact that her little boy is going to be a father. A good one. No matter where it comes from, she will love that child because it's your child. Go to sleep, and you can talk to her in the morning. Worrying like this is helping no one, especially your patients. Now sleep, or get outside so I can." Derek closed his eyes once more and thought about the bundle of joy that would be with him in around eight months. His child. His and Meredith's child. No one could take away the fact that he would be that child's father. He had created a life, a real perfect little life that he knew would take over every aspect of his life regardless of whether he was the hands-on involved father he'd dreamed of being. He smiled for the first time that day and let sleep finally take him over, his head filled with images of diapers and spit up and late night feedings right up to applauding his child when he graduated Med. School and ran out into the big wide world. Derek knew that he couldn't miss it. Addison was right, they'd make it work. Meredith was having his baby and that meant that he, Derek Shepherd was now and forever, a father.

**A/N- Reviews would be awesome! (And i'll continue to delete trolls!)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Finally a chapter 3! Thank you so much that have found the story and taken the time to read and review. The response so far has been overwhelming and I think you are all wonderful! Mega apologies for not updating sooner, I graduated from university yesterday so I had a lot to do before I got there. I'd love to promise a regular update, but my life is just too unpredictable at the moment, but please be patient, I'll always come back! Enjoy.**

Meredith got out of bed slowly, clutching her stomach. The nausea had hit her hard today, her nerves at going to see the doctor and at Derek's decision about his place in their baby's life certainly weren't helping with that. She gave her stomach a rub, her way of letting the creature growing inside of her that she hadn't forgotten about it. She took some deep breaths and walked slowly to the bathroom, leaning against the wall in support, her hand not leaving its place atop her non-existent bump. Izzie's voice was echoing around the shower as she reached the sink, splashing some water on her flushed face, trying to throw off the idea that she was going to throw up everything she'd eaten in the last week. Izzie poked her head out of the door, grabbing her towel, spotting Meredith gripping the sink, her eyes closed as she breathed through the wave of nausea.

"Nervous?" Izzie asked sympathetically. Meredith slowly opened her eyes turning to look at her friend.

"I honestly don't know what makes me more nervous; that today some doctor gets to decide whether I'm healthy enough to have this baby or that they might say that the baby isn't healthy enough to survive or that Derek might not want anything to do with either of us." She sighed, looking at her mismatched socks, sure that they had been the same when she put them on.

"Well, you should get to see the baby today." Izzie smiled. "Just think of that. And Derek is a good guy. He's an idiot, but he's not the kind of guy to just leave his kid. For now just focus on how amazing the next eight months are gonna be. Think about you for a minute, and how beautiful my future niece or nephew is going to be." She pulled the towel into the shower, wrapping herself in it before getting out and sitting on the edge of the tub. "It'll all work out Mer, it might take a while, but it will be okay. You have me and George, and Cristina. And Alex will make sure no one gives you any grief. You're not alone in this. Between the five of us, we'll make sure that baby never goes without. You'll get through it. You held a bomb for hours. And faced the gossip train every day for weeks after Addison came back. You're the strongest person I know, if anyone can get through this, it's you."

"Thanks Iz," Meredith said, a half smile reaching her lips. "Are you still coming to the appointment, you know as my moral support?"

"Definitely," Izzie smirked as if it were the most obvious question in the world. "I'm not gonna miss the first appearance of The Ellis Grey's first grandchild." Meredith laughed with Izzie, nodding her head gently before taking another big breath and padding back to her room. Today was going to be difficult, but Izzie was right, she was far from alone, and that was something that wasn't about to change.

Derek groaned at the blaring of his pager on the nightstand. Addison too groaned at the interruption to her sleep, and prodded him to make him pick it up. He reached for his pager and read the screen bleary eyed, sighing at the 911 written in black letters. He picked up his phone, the nurses station answering on the second ring.

"This is Dr. Shepherd, you paged." He said groggily into the receiver.

"Yeah, we have a car versus tree, and the subsequent three car pileup. Nelson and Ramsey both took an emergent case to the OR, but we have several more traumas that need treating as soon as possible." Came the voice on the other end, clearly flustered. Derek sighed again, why did people only want to crash into trees when he was trying to sleep?

"Okay, I can be there in around 45 minutes," he informed her, running a hand through his raven locks. "I just have to make a stop first."

Meredith made a beeline for the bathroom when the interns finally reached the hospital. Something about drinking tea early in the morning made her need to pee by the time they got to work. Her decision to rid her diet of the caffeine she relied on at work was one she was already regretting for so many reasons. She came out to see the rest of the interns staring at a huge bouquet of flowers on the bench in front of their lockers.

"Wow, someone's popular, who are they for?" She asked, and her friends looked up at her.

"The card says Meredith," Cristina pointed out as George reached a hand in and plucked out the envelope, passing it to Meredith. She opened it and looked at the neatly written card inside: _Meredith, got called into an early surgery, so I can't make the appointment today. I wanted to tell you that I'm in this 100%, and I can't wait to see pictures of our baby. __From __Love Derek xx. _ Meredith blinked back tear that had sprung to the corners of her eyes.

"So who's it from?" Izzie asked, looking at Meredith expectantly.

"It's from Derek," She said, smiling more than she had for days. "He says he's in." Her hand rubbed her lower stomach as her friends hugged her, almost as thrilled as she was that her baby would have someone to call a father. Dr. Bailey interrupted their merriment by announcing the beginning of rounds. They quickly gathered their things together and made a beeline for the door. Bailey saw Meredith hesitate a little before addressing the issue.

"Dr. Grey, maybe if you ask one of the nurses nicely, they might be able to find some water for those." She nodded at the flowers before leaving the locker room, Meredith and her bouquet following quickly after.

The early part of the day seemed to drag for Meredith, it was less than two hours from the start of rounds to the beginning of her hour off for a "private appointment" but it seemed to take forever before Izzie came to find her, almost giddy with excitement.

"You ready?" she grinned as Meredith closed her chart, depositing it in the trolley before following Izzie to the elevators.

"As I'll ever be." She answered, trying to breathe through the wave of nervous nausea that was once again washing over her. In true SGH fashion, the elevator took an eternity to reach the fifth floor, stopping at each level to let people shuffle on and off. Meredith signed in for her appointment at the desk, minutes before her appointment was due to start, grateful to hear that the OB/GYN was running slightly late due to an emergency C-section at the beginning of the day. The pair sat down and Meredith began her deep breathing to try and relax her nerves as much as she could.

"Meredith, it's going to be fine." Izzie assured her, rubbing her friends shoulder. "I promise when you see him or her on the screen you'll feel a million times better." Meredith nodded, looking up to see Addison at the desk, glancing over at Meredith and Izzie.

"I think I'm going to be sick." Meredith groaned as her face turned a little green. Derek had only said he was in, he hadn't mentioned his wife, who definitely wasn't her biggest fan right after she slept with her husband at prom night.

"Meredith Grey?" A nurse read off her clipboard, causing Izzie and Meredith to spring to their feet. Meredith got up a little quicker than she'd have liked, her hand going to her mouth as she began to heave. Addison saw the look on Meredith's face and grabbed the bin from the nurses' station running it over to Meredith just as she saw her breakfast for the second time that day.

"Thank you," She croaked, feeling her face flush. "I…"

"Don't worry, it happens more often than you'd think." Addison said, moving so that she could whisper in Meredith's ear. "And Derek told me, we're working through it." She smiled warmly, taking the soiled bin away from Meredith's shaking hands. Meredith took a deep breath before returning the smile and following the nurse through to the exam room where she would hopefully get to see her baby.

"Pop the gown on Dr. Grey, and get yourself settled under the sheet, Dr. Peterson will be with you in just a moment." Meredith slipped the gown over her scrub top, Izzie moving in to tie the back of it while Meredith shimmied out of her pants and panties before hopping up onto the table. She was smoothing the gown over herself when there was a knock at the door followed by her OB/GYN, a middle aged, British woman, who looked as though she'd fallen off a Malibu Barbie production line.

"Good morning Meredith, I'm glad you could make it today, is your friend staying for the appointment?"

"Yes please," Meredith half begged as Izzie's hand found hers.

"Okay, so you think you're pregnant?" The doctor asked making Meredith feel as though her own M.D. was suddenly null and void.

"Yeah, I skipped a period, so I took a test and it said I was pregnant." She paused for a second. "So did the others that I took."

"Well that sounds like some pretty good evidence to me." The doctor said smiling at the pair. "Shall we take a look and see. Scoot down for me, that's great." She pulled out the speculum, and Meredith began to breathe deeply again, hormonal tears creeping in. "I know it's a little scary being in this position for the first time, but just try to relax." Meredith shut her eyes, focussing on her breathing, squeezing Izzie's hand a little as she felt the speculum slide in. The doctor tapped a few keys on her keypad, adjusting the speculum slightly, before sharing a grin with Izzie. "There we go," She said turning the screen towards Meredith who opened her eyes, immediately locking her gaze on the tiny blob at the bottom of the screen. "Placenta is implanted on the right hand side of your uterus, it's in an ideal position, and that's the foetus there. It's a little early to see a heartbeat, but everything looks healthy. If I had to guess, I'd say around five or six weeks gestation, does that sound about right?" Meredith counted back in her head towards May before nodding in agreement.

"Six sounds about right." She smiled slightly at the doctor.

"Are you sure of the conception date at all, if not we can work I out from your last period?" Meredith blushed, knowing her telling the doctor would reveal when it happened, making her feel like a teenager all over again. She stared at the screen for a second, her tiny blobby baby frozen there for her to see.

"May 14th," She admitted, avoiding Izzie's obvious smirk. The doctor nodded, remaining professional despite her realisation of when Meredith got pregnant. Meredith's pager sounded from the other side of the room, but she ignored it, knowing that she'd be paged again if it were important. The doctor did a quick calculation before announcing the due date.

"That should put us around February 4th when you're due to deliver. If baby decides to be late, they'll arrive just in time for Valentine's Day." Meredith's brow furrowed as she thought about delivering a baby so close to a holiday. "It's uncommon for babies to be born on their due date, it can vary from a week or two before or after. When it's ready it'll let you know." Meredith looked up at Izzie for the first time, her joy reflected in her friend's eyes as they let the tears fall, a mixture of joy and relief seeping through both of them.

"So how big is the baby at the moment?" Izzie asked, a little too into this for Meredith's liking.

"Around the size of a lentil, still teeny tiny, but no doubt making their presence known already. You'll probably notice mood swings starting to creep in but that's completely normal, you'll need to pee a bit more frequently and you'll notice the more subtle changes to your body." The OB explained. "Are you feeling okay physically and emotionally? Or do you have any questions?"

"I feel fine, a little nervous, and I ache a little but other than that I'm fine." Meredith told her.

"Okay Meredith, as long as you're happy with the way things are then I'll let you go for now. Today was only a short appointment, to confirm what you'd told me, but I'll see you around week nine or ten, and we'll do a little more comprehensive exam, but if you experience any cramping or heavy bleeding or anything you're not sure about before then I want you to come and see me." Meredith nodded at the doctor, who bowed her head before looking at her, clearly hesitating about something.

"What is it?" Meredith asked, fear suddenly overwhelming her.

"I don't mean to sound rude, but is baby's father aware of the situation? I don't like to listen to the rumours, but if you know who it is, it'd be good to see them at some point so we can rule out any possible genetic problems early on." She looked embarrassed to have to be the one to ask such a personal question, especially when it implied that Meredith was a little whore-ish.

"He couldn't be here today, but we've spoken about it. He's on board, it's just a little complicated. We didn't plan on a baby, but we're happy." Meredith assured her, smiling a little at the doctor's discomfort.

"Okay, that's great, if you want to get dressed, I'll print you off a copy of baby's first picture." She left the room quickly, and Meredith and Izzie burst out laughing.

"Excuse me Meredith, but you're an enormous slut, do you even know who your baby's father is?" Meredith mimicked in an attempt at a British accent.

"Yes, we just need to check that it is a baby in there and not just an STD you've caught from all the sex you've been having with well, anyone you bump into." Izzie followed, the pair of them laughing so hard that Meredith almost toppled over getting back into her pants, which only made them laugh harder, only stopping when the doctor walked back in.

"Here you are Meredith, I've included a few different views for you to look at. If you see the nurse at the desk, she'll book your next appointment." Izzie opened the door for Meredith to walk out. "And Meredith, I didn't mean to imply that you get around, it's often that people in your situation aren't totally sure, and you know the rumour mill."

"If the rumour mill had any truth to it, I'd have six of these already and probably a dozen or more fathers. But there you go." The doctor blushed as she took the door from Izzie, suddenly much quieter than she had been previously.

Meredith booked her next appointment, taking the card with the date and time written on it and putting it in her notebook for safekeeping before heading towards the elevators.

Meredith pulled out her pager as they walked away, checking her earlier page to see that it was from Derek, letting her know that his surgery ended early, and he was in his office if she was free.

"I'll meet you downstairs, Iz, I just have to go see Derek." Meredith said, leaving Izzie in line for the elevator.

"Okay, she smiled, I'll let Bailey know you'll be down soon." The blonde smiled, still buzzing from seeing baby Grey-Shepherd on the screen.

Meredith scurried off to Derek's office, knocking and then poking her head round the door.

"You paged?" She smiled, and he gestured her in.

"How'd it go, the appointment?" He asked, a flicker of concern in his face.

"It was good actually, I almost threw up on your wife, and the OB called me a whore. As much as it pains me to say it, I'd almost rather have Addison examining my hoohoo, at least she's aware of the whole situation."

"Probably not the best idea, she seems okay now, but it may not stay like that." he saw Meredith's expression before stopping the ramble that was about to ensue. "But the baby, the baby's good?"

"Yeah, it seems healthy, it's around six weeks old, oh due on the 4th of February, hopefully not early or late, because I am not giving birth on a holiday! We got to see it actually, there's not much to see yet, but it's in there." She pulled out a picture and laid it in front of him. "Baby's first picture." She smiled, looking at his eyes filling with tears. "All scarily real now?"

"Yeah, you could say that." he paused for a second, tracing every tiny detail of the child that would call him daddy, knowing that nothing he could say could express his joy or the gratitude that he felt at Meredith's giving him the opportunity to take the one role he had always wanted to play. "You know my mother has every scan photo of each of my sisters' kids, all fourteen of them. Every single one, and then a shot from the first few hours. She says she wants to document the start of each new chapter. She was always so happy when she got that call that said she was going to be a grandma again. Even when it was the fourth or fifth pregnancy. She always made it feel so special for everyone. I always thought that it would be the same with Addison, and then with you. I dreamed about how I'd break the news." Meredith rubbed his shoulder, aware that he missed his family in New York, often speaking to them, but never really letting on how much it pained him to be so far away. "I haven't told her yet. I want to she's already so angry about me leaving New York. She was thrilled when I said I was trying with Addison, how do I tell her that I was in love with someone else and we made a baby." Meredith smiled sympathetically at him, before thinking about what he was saying.

"Wait, you loved me?" She said, wondering how he could say that after going back to his wife months before.

"Of course I did, I still do. It doesn't just go away because I decide to try and make it work with my wife."

"But you love her too?"

"Yeah, I do, but it's different. If I loved just one of you, it would be so much easier, I'd know what I wanted, who I wanted. I'm stuck between two beautiful amazing women and now one of them's having my baby. I've still got a lot of thinking to do Meredith. I love you, and that's not about to change, but it doesn't have to be a big deal, and I don't want it to change anything between us. But yes, I love you, and our baby."

"You love me." Meredith grinned. "I love you too, and our baby. Oh, and by the way, Finn isn't a part of our whole situation. I set him free. I figure it's better to have a father that you don't see all the time than a stepfather who can't love you because of the way you were brought into the world. Priorities and all that." Derek stood up and pulled her into his arms, rubbing her back gently.

"I'm really proud of you Meredith, you're going to be an amazing mother. Our child is incredibly lucky to have you." Meredith smiled at him, pulling away from their hug.

"You are going to be a good dad, just because it didn't happen at the most convenient time doesn't mean that you won't be amazing too. Tell your mom, she might be angry at you, but she'll be thrilled about number fifteen I'm sure. Send her a photo, and then we can send her the 9 and a half week one too, July 16th if you want to come. Now I have to go back and find Bailey. She thinks I was having a pap smear so I need to go look like I didn't have a whole other thing going on. Bye Derek. I'll see you soon." She walked back towards the elevator rubbing circles on her stomach. Derek Shepherd loved her. That was something she'd been waiting a long time to hear. They might not be together any more but all the same it made her feel warm and beautiful inside, a feeling she'd been waiting to experience again since the brief few weeks before she even knew about Addison.

She quickly found Bailey, checking back in with her, and volunteering to scrub in on her next patient, only to be met with a steely glance and a list of scut that needed to be completed instead. Meredith pulled out her notebook and began noting down Bailey's orders, scurrying off to get the blood work that had been ordered. She was determined that she would stay on Bailey's good side, and hopefully get a surgery or two assigned to her. The last thing she needed was a repeat of the aftermath of Izzie's party. She hadn't however noticed the card fall from within the pages of her notebook before she ran off, or seen Bailey pick it up, quickly scanning the words, a hand going to her mouth in shock. She didn't see the look on her face that said Meredith Grey was pregnant and it didn't take a genius to realise just who the father was.

**A/N: Reviews make me happy! (And I will as ever continue to delete trolls!**


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